Valentine’s Day, with Empathy

Valentine’s Day marketing campaigns have a way of turning love into a performance. It can feel like the only way to show you love your partner is a fancy dinner out, the perfect words, or just the right gift.

If your relationship has been stretched by problematic sexual behaviors, all that pressure can feel unhelpful at best and triggering at worst.

This year, let’s think of Valentine’s Day less as a test of romance and more as an opportunity to truly show you care, through empathy.

Empathy isn’t about having all the right words. It’s about being present, curious, and willing to stay emotionally engaged—even when things feel awkward.

A New Valentine’s Question (No Roses Required)

Instead of asking: “How do I make this romantic?”

Try: “How can I help my partner feel emotionally seen?”

That shift alone can change the tone of the day.

Gifts and fancy meals are nice, of course, but what your partner really wants and needs is to be seen, known, and valued. Let’s explore some different ways you can show you care this year.

7 Meaningful Valentine’s Ideas That Build Empathy

1. The “No Fixing Allowed” Date

Pick a simple setting, like a coffee shop, a walk, or even takeout on the couch.

Your only job on this date is to:

• listen
• reflect what you hear
• resist the urge to solve, explain, or defend

Think of it as emotional strength training.

2. The Empathy Card (A.K.A. Not a Hallmark Moment)

Skip the grand declarations and the typical hunt for the perfect card. 

Instead, write one card that answers, “Here’s what I’m starting to understand about how this experience has been for you.”

Keep it sincere. Keep it short. Keep it focused on their experience, not your intentions.

3. The “Impact Over Intent” Mini-Chat

Set a timer for 20 minutes and ask your partner to answer the following question:

“What’s something that had a bigger emotional impact than I realized?”

Your response script:

• “Thank you for telling me.”
• “That makes sense.”
• “I’m listening.”

That’s it. No monologues required.

4. The Gift That Says “I’m Learning”

You can show your partner that you truly care about healing your relationship and becoming a more empathetic person through simple, thoughtful gifts. Consider:

• a shared notebook labeled Check-Ins for your weekly recovery night check-ins
• a printed list of empathy phrases you’re practicing
• a simple note that says, “I’m committed to learning how to hear you better.”

These aren’t flashy, but they are very meaningful.

5. The “I’ve Been Listening” Gift

If you do want to give a physical gift, let it be one that says, “I’ve been paying attention.”

Instead of asking, “What’s a good Valentine’s gift?” try reflecting on these questions:

• What has my partner mentioned recently that mattered to them—even in passing?
• Is there something they’ve said they miss, enjoy, or wish they had more time for?
• What helps them feel calmer, safer, or more like themselves?
• Have they talked about a hobby, interest, or small comfort that tends to get overlooked?
• What has felt heavy for them lately, and what might offer a bit of relief or care?

A meaningful gift doesn’t need to be expensive or dramatic. It might be:

• a book connected to something they care about
• supplies or time set aside for a hobby they enjoy
• a small comfort item paired with a note explaining why you chose it
• something practical that supports their healing or rest

The power of the gift isn’t in the item itself—it’s in the message behind it: “I heard you. I noticed you. Your inner world matters to me.”

That kind of attunement is often more meaningful than any traditional Valentine’s gesture.

6. Watch Something Together (Then Wonder Out Loud)

Pick a movie or show that touches on relationships or repair.

Afterward, talk through the movie together. You might ask:

• “What stood out to you?”
• “What felt familiar?”
• “What didn’t land for you?”

Your curiosity about your partner’s inner thought life is far more powerful than your own commentary.

7. End with a Small, Doable Next Step

Before the day ends, name one empathy habit you’ll keep practicing:

• pausing before responding
• checking how something landed
• asking instead of assuming

Consistency beats perfection every time.

Want More Tools Like This?

If you’re realizing, “I want to do this better but I don’t always know how,” you’re not alone.

Our mini-course Unpacking Betrayal Trauma: Learning Empathy was created to help you:

• understand your partner’s emotional world
• respond with care instead of reactivity
• build empathy skills without shame or overwhelm
• practice emotional presence that actually supports healing

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be real.

👉 Access Unpacking Betrayal Trauma: Learning Empathy and keep building the skills that turn effort into genuine connection.

Because empathy—practiced consistently—is one of the most loving gifts you can offer.